The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands
By Dr. Laura SchlessingerHarperCollins Publishers, Inc.
Copyright © 2006 Dr. Laura Schlessinger
All right reserved.
ISBN: 0060520620
Chapter One
The Improper Care and Feeding of Husbands
I laughed when I heard the title of your new book. I thought, 'It won't happen. What woman would buy it? Who cares about us men?' There are a few things that men want so bad they would do anything for it. I think a good number of men want respect more than love. They like to feel they have some power. I nearly cry when you tell a woman caller to respect her husband. There is so much selfishness in the world -- in marriages. Prosperity has allowed women to be so independent, and thus so selfish. I always feel as though I come last -- my feelings come last, my needs come last."
Edgar
There isn't a day that goes by when I don't ask at least one woman caller on my radio program if she expects to stay married considering her hostile, dismissive, or undermining attitude and actions toward her husband. What is amazing is how surprised they all seem to imagine that their husbands might have a limit to how much they'll take before they tune out or turn away. What is even more amazing is that this insensitivity to their husbands' needs and feelings goes hand in hand with a hypersensitivity about any action or reaction from the men -- reactions that are usually more than reasonable.
Here's just one example of such a caller from my radio program the day before I began writing this chapter. This "Christian" woman has been married one year to a "Jewish" man, and they have a four-month-old son. Before they married she promised to raise their children Jewish, even though, obviously, neither one was truly invested in and committed to their religion (because, if they were, they would have married someone with whom they could share their faith). Now that it is Christmastime, she put up a tree and is already revving up for Easter egg hunts. "I don't want my children to miss out on all the wonderful holiday experiences I had as a child," she says to me by way of rationalizing her broken promise.
What was her question for me even after I reminded her of her promise and vows? Of course it was, "How can I get him to stop walking around angry and pouting?" That she betrayed her vow was easily dismissed, I think, by the double standard most women have about what they do and what their men do. If women change their minds, men must take it. When men change their minds, they're brutes.
One male listener wrote to me of his frustration with this double standard. He lamented that women need to understand how frustrating it is dealing with a double standard that only takes into account the woman's immediate needs or desires. It was his perception that everything the woman feels or needs is legitimate and very important, while anything related to the man is unimportant and selfish.
I think, as generalizations go, he has a good point. Try visiting various female-oriented Internet chat rooms, and you'll find cheering sections rallying behind women who trash their men, determined to leave them for trivial reasons ("He's not talkative enough," "I just don't feel complete," "I'm bored," or "He doesn't want me talking to my mother every day").
And while we're talking about double standards, let's not forget what happens in the bedroom. Women expect their men to "understand" when they're not interested in sex, but when the men don't or can't perform -- watch out!
What causes this double-standard mentality? In one big, hyphenated word: self-centeredness. And what is the source of this self-centeredness? I believe it's a result of the women's movement, with its condemnation of just about everything male as evil, stupid, and oppressive, and the denigration of female and male roles in families, as well as the loss of family functioning as a result of divorce, day care, dual careers, and the glorification of shacking up and unwed motherhood by choice. These are the core destructive influences that result in women not appreciating that they are perfected, as are men, when they are bonded in wedlock and have obligations to family.
The result is women get married thinking largely about what their marriage and their man can do for them, and not what they can do for their men. And when there is so little emphasis on the giving, the nitpicking and pettiness chews up and spits out what could have been a good marriage.
Cindy's e-mail addresses the issue of"giving" and "doing":
"I have been married for ten years and I had a huge problem with Caring and Feeding my husband. I did not know the time my mother put into caring and feeding my dad until I was having difficulty in my marriage. It was then she helped me understand a wife's role. My generation (I'm in my 30s) was raised in a very 'me' culture: If we're not happy, then no one will be. Luckily, my mom and dad taught me that in order to be happy and fulfilled, you must help, love, and care . . . for others! Even with a great home life as a child, I didn't know that was so true in a marriage. I just thought you either have a great marriage or you don't -- that somehow marriage existed outside your efforts.
That was just one of my misassumptions. Another was that he should be as knowledgeable about things as my dad, with whom I constantly compared him. I constantly nagged instead of encouraged. Then my dad gave me advice on how the male ego worked. I followed his direction, being encouraging and essentially being his cheerleader. Things changed dramatically.
My mother's advice, after my many mess-ups, was to love him. Now, that sounds pretty basic, but I now truly understand what the word 'love' means. It's a profoundly tender, passionate affection for someone; an affectionate concern for their well-being. God's greatest gift, after life itself, is love. God created him for you. Love your husband with all your heart and treat him like the gift from God that he is."
Continues...
Excerpted from The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbandsby Dr. Laura Schlessinger Copyright © 2006 by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Excerpted by permission.
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Product origin: United States
